When a Pet Dies: The Grief We Don’t Always Talk About

Bagpuss came into our lives over 25 years ago when I was living in London. I was cooking dinner one night when he appeared in our second floor kitchen window. He was scruffy, skinny and desperately hungry. I found out that he was a two-year old stray living much of his life on the rooftops of Belsize Park, occasionally making an appearance in the pub next door.

Over the weeks that followed, Bagpuss would arrive every night for his tea and he soon found the confidence to explore not just the kitchen but the sitting room sofa! As his fear disappeared he started to show his cheeky and loving personality. It's fair to say we were smitten with each other and he decided to make our flat his home.

Looking back, I'm not sure who rescued who. He came into my life at a time when I was really struggling and his presence helped to heal my heart. I looked forward to seeing him every night after work and he was such a joy to have around.

Bagpuss was a constant in my life through many life events including getting married, buying our own home and having our children. He lived a very happy life and was loved and cherished by us all. He lived to be a very old chap - 21 years old.

It's been many years since he died and my heart still aches when I think of him. I still remember his smell and the softness of his coat. I remember all his favourite sunny sleeping spots and how loudly he would purr when cuddled.

So when a client breaks down as they tell me about losing a pet, I really do get it.

What is it like to grieve a pet?

The grief when a pet dies can be profound . Pets are our family, but it's more than that. They are part of our everyday lives. They're there when we wake up, when we come home from work, when we're having a bad day and when we're celebrating the good days.

We are not just their owners. We are their protector, their carer and their guardian. We hold such responsibility for them and of course they can't help us with that. They can't tell us, "I'm in pain" or "I feel unwell." We have to notice the changes, make decisions for them and, eventually, sometimes make the heartbreaking decision about when it's time to let them go. That responsibility can feel incredibly heavy, particularly as they near the end of their lives.

There may be people who don't understand the depth of your grief, or you may even question yourself and wonder whether you should really be this upset because "he was only a pet." But there is no rule about how much you are allowed to grieve.

If you loved them, cared for them and shared your life with them, then their loss matters.

What can help your grief when a pet has died.

• Finding someone to talk to can be very beneficial. We are not meant to carry grief alone. Just like when a person has died, this grief needs to be shared. People may not ask "How are you doing?" and there may not be a funeral. We may not have the opportunity to talk about our precious pet so any space that we can find for this is helpful.

  
  

• Try to remember that your emotions are real and valid for all of the reasons that we have discussed in this article. Sometimes there can be other emotions alongside sadness. Often there is guilt or anger, particularly if you have had to make the very hard decision to euthanise your pet. Again, speaking about these feelings can be helpful.

  
  

• You may want to have some kind of ceremony for your pet or a way to remember them such as a plant in their favourite spot in the garden. It's a way to remember just how much they meant to you.

  
  

• Be kind to yourself. Remember that grief moves at its own pace. There may be days when you are doing ok and others when it all feels too hard. Take your time and do things when you are ready.

  
  

• Reach out if you need to. You may want to consider counselling or perhaps contacting a specialist organisation such as Blue Cross Pet Loss helpline

  
  

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been cooking dinner that night with the kitchen window open.

Would Bagpuss have found another home? Would someone else have noticed the scruffy little cat living on the rooftops? I don't know.

What I do know is that he found his way into my life when I needed him, and for the next 19 years he was very much part of it.

I will always miss him. But when I think of Bagpuss now, I mostly feel incredibly lucky that we found each other.