Disenfranchised Grief: When Loss Isn’t Recognised
- Tracy Dixon
- Mar 16
- 4 min read
This blog explores disenfranchised grief and is the third blog in my series looking at different types of loss. In previous posts I explored the losses involved in being a carer and the grief that can follow a breakup
When we hear the word grief, most people think of death. But in the counselling room I often meet people who are grieving something that hasn’t involved a death at all. Sometimes they haven’t realised that what they are experiencing is grief.
The loss may be real and painful, but it doesn’t fit the version of grief that our friends, family or wider circles tend to recognise.
This is often referred to as disenfranchised grief.
Put simply, it is grief that isn’t always recognised or supported by the people around us.
When grief goes unrecognised in this way, people can begin to question their own reactions. They may feel they should be coping better, or that their sadness isn’t justified. Over time this can make the experience of loss feel even more isolating.
Losses That Don’t Always Get Named
Many life experiences involve loss, even if nobody calls them grief.
People may grieve:
the end of a relationship or divorce
miscarriage or fertility struggles
the loss of health following illness
redundancy or loss of professional identity
estrangement from family
caring for someone whose personality has changed through illness or dementia
moving away from home, culture or community
the life they imagined but didn’t get to have
Sometimes these losses are deeply significant, yet they are minimised or misunderstood by others.
For example, someone grieving the loss of a beloved pet may hear comments like “you can always get another dog.” Someone experiencing infertility or miscarriage may be told “you can try again” or “at least it happened early.”
These comments are often meant kindly, but they can leave the person feeling that their grief is somehow less valid.
What Happens When Disenfranchised Grief Isn’t Recognised
One of the challenges with disenfranchised grief is that it is rarely acknowledged in the same way as bereavement.
When someone dies, there are rituals. Funerals, condolences and an understanding that a period of grief will follow.
With disenfranchised grief, there is rarely the same recognition.
A person grieving the loss of fertility, the death of a pet, or the breakdown of a family relationship may feel they are expected to simply adapt and move on.
As a result, people sometimes begin to doubt their own reactions. They may wonder why they are struggling when others seem to expect them to carry on.
Over time the emotional impact of the loss can show up in ways that people do not immediately recognise as grief. This might include feeling stuck, experiencing anxiety about the future, low mood, difficulty adjusting to life changes, or a persistent sense that something important has been lost.
When we slow down and look more closely, there is often grief sitting underneath these feelings.
Sometimes simply naming the loss is the first step in helping someone understand why they are struggling.
Recognising Disenfranchised Grief in the Counselling Room
In counselling, one of the most helpful starting points is often just to recognise that a loss has taken place.
Clients sometimes arrive feeling confused about why they are struggling. When the loss is named and acknowledged, their experience can begin to make more sense.
Part of the work may involve exploring questions such as:
What exactly has been lost?
What did that part of life mean to them?
What has changed as a result?
For example, someone experiencing long-term illness may not only be grieving their health, but also their independence, their identity and the future they had imagined for themselves.
When we look closely, loss often has many layers.
Acknowledging the Impact of the Loss
People sometimes minimise their own experience because they believe others have it worse but loss is not a competition.
Giving space to talk about what something meant, and what it cost to lose it, can help people begin to process their grief rather than feeling they simply have to endure it.
In counselling this might involve allowing space to acknowledge the emotional impact, mourn what has been lost, and reflect on how life has changed.
Grief often needs time and attention before people can begin to adjust to the reality of their situation.
Adjusting to a Different Life
Part of grieving any loss involves adjusting to a life that may look different from the one that was imagined. This may mean gradually finding ways to live alongside the reality of what has changed. With clients, I may explore:
What might life look like now?
What still feels possible?
What parts of your identity remain and are meaningful?
These conversations often unfold slowly, particularly when the loss is still very present.
Learning More About the Many Forms of Grief
Disenfranchised grief is just one example of how loss can appear in people’s lives.
For counsellors and psychotherapists, recognising these less visible forms of grief can make a real difference to how we support clients.
In my Essential Skills for Grief Work CPD course, I explore a range of different grief experiences, including the kinds of losses that often go unrecognised in counselling. The course explores how grief can appear in many different forms and how we can respond to it sensitively and practically in the counselling room.
Useful resources: SANDS: Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity
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