Why connection matters more than we think.

On my Facebook page this week, we were talking about how much has changed in the way many of us live and work. More people are working from home, spending longer in their own space, and having fewer natural points of contact with others during the day. In a lot of ways it works really well. It’s more flexible, it saves time, and it can make life easier to manage.

But something else can be happening in the background. We can become a bit more disconnected.

It may not show up in a dramatic way.  It might start with fewer conversations, fewer moments of being around other people, fewer laughs or stories around the coffee machine. Over time, that can start to have an impact, even if we don’t immediately recognise it.

Clients don’t tend to name it as disconnection. It comes through in other ways — feeling flat, overthinking more, questioning themselves, or having a sense that something isn’t quite right. When we begin to explore it, there is often something underneath that feels like a lack of connection, sometimes with other people and sometimes with themselves.

There’s also something happening on a biological level. Our bodies are constantly reading what’s around us, picking up on cues of safety or threat without us even realising it — something often referred to as neuroception. When that sense of safety isn’t there, or when we feel disconnected, we can move into a more protective state, which might show up as feeling more irritable , feeling anxious, or pulling back from others.

On the flip side, when we are with someone who feels safe, steady, and genuinely present, the nervous system starts to change. We move into a state of 'rest and digest'. When we are in this place where we can think more clearly, feel more, and begin to make sense of things.

So connection isn’t just something that feels nice to have, it really matters. It affects how we feel and how we cope.

So what do we do with that? Well I think this is personal to each person. Some people would not want to sacrifice their working from home arrangement – I know I wouldn’t. Noticing this disconnect, and the impact it’s having, is a good place to start.

For some people, counselling can be helpful. It can be an opportunity to explore this disconnect and to find a way forwards. Often this is a space that we do not get anywhere else. Counselling is not like talking to a friend. It can be very powerful to feel understood, to feel that someone is there with you, without judgement and without being rushed. The quality of the therapeutic relationship is the strongest predictor that influences outcomes in counselling. Researchers like Mick Cooper have written about this a lot.

But not everyone has access to therapy.

So where else does that kind of connection come from?

Often, it’s smaller than we expect. It can be a brief conversation with someone in a queue, a few words with the person making your coffee, or even just being acknowledged by someone when you’re out and about. Those moments can seem insignificant, but they still register. They are small reminders that we’re not completely on our own.

For someone who has become more isolated, those moments can be a starting point, a small step back towards being around other people again. Over time, those moments can begin to build. They don’t replace the depth of a therapeutic relationship, but they still matter.

In small ways, we all have the ability to offer moments of connection to other people, whether that’s through a conversation, a simple acknowledgement, or just being present in a way that feels real.

If you’ve been feeling a bit disconnected, it doesn’t have to start with anything big. It might just be noticing where you can achieve those small moments and allowing yourself to step into one of them. Where might there be a glimmer of connection in your day today?