Understanding guilt and how to ease it

Guilt is something that can show up up in many different parts of our life.

It might be around relationships, bereavement, parenting or caring for someone. It can come up after decisions we’ve made, things we’ve said or things that were left unsaid.

It might result in thoughts like:

“I should have done more.”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why didn’t I handle that differently?”

These thoughts can be hard to switch off and that's why guilt can feel so strong.

Guilt has a way of making things feel very clear and certain. It tells us there was a right thing to do, and that we somehow got it wrong.

But when we look more closely, it’s often not that simple. Most situations are shaped by what we knew at the time, how we were feeling, what we had the capacity for and what else was going on around us at the time.

Guilt tends to strip all of that other stuff away. It focuses in on one moment, and judges it with the benefit of hindsight. This is when it can become quite harsh and problematic.

Guilt and shame — an important difference

It can be helpful to notice the difference between guilt and shame, as they often get mixed together. Research into guilt and shame highlights this.

Guilt tends to focus on something we’ve done, and can sometimes lead us to reflect, repair, or do things differently.

Shame, on the other hand, is more likely to affect how we see ourselves, often bringing a sense of being flawed or not good enough, and can lead to withdrawing or pulling away.

This is why it can be important to notice when guilt begins to shift into shame, as it can start to have a deeper impact on how we feel about ourselves and how we move through life.

When guilt gets stuck

Some reflection is natural. It’s part of making sense of things.

But guilt can become stuck when:

• the same thoughts repeat without changing

• we hold ourselves to very high or unrealistic standards

• we judge the past with information we didn’t have at the time

• we overlook the wider context of the situation

At that point, it stops being helpful and can start to have a real impact on how we feel about ourselves and our day-to-day lives.

Ways of working with guilt

There isn’t a quick way to get rid of guilt and trying to push it away often makes it come back stronger but there are ways to begin to soften it.

1. Notice the “should”

Guilt often comes with a strong sense of what we should have done.

It can help to gently pause and ask:

• What was actually possible for me at that time?

• What was I dealing with then?

• Was I doing the best I could with what I had?

• What support did I have at time?

We often expect our past selves to have the same understanding and expectations that we have now, forgetting how different things were for us at the time. It can also help, in the right context, to gently shift the language.

For example, moving from:

“I should have handled that better"

to:

“I could have handled that better"

That small change can open things up slightly. It acknowledges there may have been other options, without the same level of judgement or certainty that comes with “should”. It allows us to bring in some self compassion.

2. Bring back the wider context

Guilt narrows our focus. It picks out one moment and gives it a lot of weight.

It can help to zoom out and look at the bigger picture:

• What else was going on in my life at the time?

• What pressures or limitations was I under?

• What did I do that was caring or well-intentioned?

This isn’t about dismissing what happened but about seeing the bigger picture.

3. Be careful with hindsight

Looking back, things can seem obvious. We might tell ourselves: “I should have known.”

But we can only act on what we knew and understood at that time - not what we know now.

4. Notice how you are speaking to yourself

If your thoughts sound like “I’m a bad person” or “I always get things wrong” It may be that guilt has shifted into shame. At that point, it can help to ask: Would I speak to someone else like this? or Is there a more balanced way of seeing this?

5. Say it out loud

Guilt can feel heavier when it stays inside.

Talking it through with someone you trust can help bring a different perspective.

Not to be told you’re right or wrong, but to see things from more than one angle.

6. A simple way to ease guilt that is held in the body

Guilt doesn’t just sit in our thoughts, it often shows up physically as well. Tightness, restlessness, a sense of unease or tension may appear. You might like to try this exercise to help your body to settle.

Place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach

Notice your breathing, without trying to change it

Gently slow your breathing down, just slightly

Let your shoulders drop a little, if they’re tense

You don’t need to force anything here. The aim isn’t to get rid of the feeling, but to give your body a sense that it's ok. Once your body is calmer, it can become easier to think more clearly and respond differently to the thoughts that are coming up.

7. Notice what is and isn’t your responsibility

Sometimes guilt shows up even when something wasn’t our responsibility.

This can be more likely if boundaries have felt unclear or difficult in the past.

It's important to remember that we aren't responsible for other people’s feelings, decisions or actions.

It can help to ask:

• What was actually within my control here?

• What was outside of my control?

• Was I taking responsibility for something that wasn’t mine?

This is not about passing the blame on to someone else, it is more about seeing things more clearly.

8. If guilt does feel unresolved

Sometimes, when we look more closely, there may be something we wish we had done differently. That can be important to acknowledge and reflect on. Whilst we can't change the past it can be helpful to explore questions like:

Is there anything that you would want to put right, if that were possible?

Is there anything you can learn from this?

What would it be like to do things differently going forward?

For some people, this is something that can be helpful to explore in counselling, where there is space to work through what feels unresolved and identify any steps that feel possible.

9. Take it slowly

Guilt doesn’t tend to disappear all at once but it can shift gradually through:

• repeated reflection

• small changes in how we understand things

• being a little less harsh with ourselves over time

A final thought on Guilt

Guilt often comes from caring and from wanting to have done things well. It comes from wishing that things had been different.

Sometimes the work is not about deciding whether we were right or wrong, but understanding guilt in a bigger context and beginning to see it through a lens of self compassion.