5 Common Themes That Show Up in Grief Counselling

In my work, there are certain things that come up a lot when people talk about grief.

Often, people come in feeling a bit thrown by their own reactions. The emotions that come along with grief can be unexpected. People can feel unsure, unsettled, and may question themselves.

I hear things like:

“I thought I was doing better… and now I feel right back there again.”

Or:

“Some days I feel okay, and then it just hits me.”

There can be a sense that they should be further along, or handling it differently.

But these kind of experiences are very common and normal.

These are some of the themes that tend to come up.

1. Feeling okay one day… and not the next

One of the hardest parts can be how changeable it feels.

You might have a day where things feel a bit easier. You get through what you need to do, maybe feel a bit more like yourself. Then there is a shift.

This can happen quickly, sometimes without anything obvious triggering it.

That can feel unsettling. It’s easy to think you’ve gone backwards or that you’re not coping as well as you thought.

But this back-and-forth is something many people experience. There can be space from it at times, and then times where it feels very present again.

2. Feeling stuck

Another common experience is feeling stuck. Not necessarily in a way that friends may notice — more a sense of things not moving or not knowing how to proceed.

You might feel like you should be getting on with things, but can’t seem to make a start on tasks. Sometimes it may feel like everything is on hold.

Grief can affect energy, focus, and motivation. Things that would usually feel manageable can start to feel like too much.

There can also be a sense of not knowing what moving forward even looks like.

So you stay where you are — not because you want to, but because you don’t know how to do anything different yet. You don't know where to start with this new version of life.

3. Guilt

Guilt can show up in ways people don’t always expect.

Sometimes it’s clear:

“I should have done more.”

“I wish I’d done things differently.”

Other times it’s quieter:

“Why am I okay today?”

“I shouldn’t be laughing.”

Even when you can see that these thoughts aren’t completely fair and don't make any sense - they can still feel very real.

Guilt can attach itself to what happened, what didn’t happen, or just to the fact that life is continuing.

It’s something many people carry and one of the hardest emotions to share with friends and family.

4. Comparing your grief to others

It’s easy to minimise what you’re feeling.

You might find yourself thinking that what you’ve been through isn’t as bad as what others go through, or that you shouldn’t be as affected in the way that you are.

That can lead to pushing feelings aside or questioning yourself.

But we can't compare one person's grief to anothers. Grief is individual.

It’s shaped by your relationship, your experience, and what the loss means to you.

Two people can go through something similar and experience it very differently.

5. Finding it hard to show grief in front of others

A lot of people find themselves holding things in.

On the outside, you might look like you’re coping. Going to work, having conversations, doing what needs to be done.

But the feelings tend to come out when you’re on your own or when the business stops.

There can be lots of reasons for that.

Not wanting to upset other people.

Not wanting to be seen differently.

Not knowing how to explain how you feel.

So instead, you keep it in and carry on - but that can feel quite lonely.

If you’re struggling with grief and finding it hard to make sense of how you’re feeling, you don’t have to work through it on your own. Counselling can offer a space to slow things down and begin to process what’s there, at your own pace.

If you’re a counsellor reading this and recognising some of this in your client work, I offer Grief Counselling CPD where we explore these areas in more depth.